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Kaybee

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[ archive | journal archive ]

well. i'm bored. [Jul. 15th, 2011|01:16 am]
Kaybee
 
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i've been a child on my knees, all these years. [Jul. 1st, 2011|01:29 am]
Kaybee
[Current Location |Dallas, Texas]
[Current Music |WZBC - 157: Fiveng - "Summer Nights" ]

 Completely unsure of who partakes in the usage of this anymore
but, so much has changed Livejournal. 

Life has taken me on unexpected journey,
and there are no complaints to be made.

Maybe it's because I'm turning twenty-five at the of July,
or maybe there's just a dash of "grown-up" in my demeanor,
or having started this journal at eighteen, but who I was
never anticipated who I've become. 


I am harder, better, faster, stronger. 
Genuine. Honest. Tride & Truths. 


 

 
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with a badge of honor and distress, i present: [Dec. 20th, 2010|12:50 am]
Kaybee

MY LIFE IS A SERIES OF "DEBTS" & "BROKES"
A CONTINUOUS DINNER OF CONDIMENTS & BEVERAGES

(but only ever condiments and beverages)

HE YELLS, "I WANT TO BE BOHEMIAN AND
WANDER MAPS THAT HAVE YET TO BE DRAWN!"
I WHINE, "I WANT TO BE A HOUSEWIFE AND 
TEND GARDENS AROUND MY LAWN!"


youth only knowing of itself, and it's families
and the books it read as a child, under the skies
seen above two separate climates, it hasn't died yet.

MY LIFE IS A SERIES OF "IFS" & "BUTS"
AND "YOU'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH"
A CONTINUOUS INFINITE ELIPSES OF
TALENTS NEVER TO BE NURTURED.


he says, "...the world wants to yield only melancholic men,
with idle, passive hands."
i cry, "and yet instead we would choose to bleed out,
for one ounce of pure direction, unobstructed by influence."


with eye contact made & held,
so it goes for a minuscule moment...

we are future heroes.
 

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(no subject) [Aug. 22nd, 2010|12:59 am]
Kaybee

I have nothing very relevant to say.
My last year of college starts in two days.
I worked my last official "summer" away.
I have a bit of a "crush".
It's most likely unrequited.
(story of my life)
My father  is a disappearing act.
My older brother is pathetic.
I cried on my way to work this morning.

I can't wait till all of this is over
and I'm myself again.

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I hadn't really thought of it. [Aug. 16th, 2010|12:50 pm]
Kaybee

In the last couple of years I had compiled a list of attributes that I found to be necessary for me to find a guy not only attractive but worthy of dating.
With no preference of real hair color or eye color (though leaning towards more of dark hair and light eyes) I finally voiced part of my list to a guy friend somewhat in jest.

"plaid-wearing, beard-baring, guitar-strumming boy wonder of my dreams." some of the other attributes i look for are a height over 6', tattoos, a very direct moral compass, big heart, kind eyes and a knack for most things ridiculous... and you've got him. The guy for whom I search my daily travels hoping to meet.

The thing is, when I said plaid-wearing, beard-baring, guitar-strumming boy wonder of my dreams to previously mentioned guy friend somewhat in jest, he responded with, "it sounds like you just described me, just sayin'".  And, as I went searching my head for the rest of the list, wouldn't you fucking believe he fits the rest of that as well?

And given recent events, my rationale is hard at work to keep this from becoming more than what it is because I know I don't stand a chance being anything he could ever want. 

 

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I'm lackluster at twenty-four [Aug. 4th, 2010|11:58 pm]
Kaybee

when I used to burn
just to light up the sky.

give me something,
give me anything,
to hold onto and believe

you know, i've got so much in me.

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You stick your hand out the window [Jul. 22nd, 2010|02:16 am]
Kaybee

of a moving car, and the breeze blows against your palm. You move it every direction you can think of, and drink in the sensation on your skin.

We are reminded that we will grow one day, big and strong and as impervious as stone castles; metaphorical motes, with figurative crocodiles and proverbial bridges we will build to let the selective few across and into a safe haven of who we are now. Tonight, we are just flesh and bone disasters, crashing into one another. Honest in complexities, untamed by responsibilities. Like dry sticks brought together, we're attempting to start a fire that will make stone castles useless, inevitably. You can't burn stone, but you can set ablaze what lives inside it. Hoping that the wind carries.

You stick your hand out the window of a moving car and the breeze blows against your palm.
You move it in every direction you can think of, and drink in the sensation on your skin.

No night will feel like tonight ever again,
but you can always dare to dream bigger than stone can be built.

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(no subject) [Jun. 24th, 2010|03:53 am]
Kaybee
I haven't tried to sleep yet.
Twenty-one hours and counting.
All because I'm too afraid to dream of you,
only to have them end and open my eyes
to your absence, again.


It sucks this is the only outlet I have at the moment. I don't want to make a spectacle of how bothered I am. How I wish you'd change your mind.
The thing is, I've realized that I can survive this scenario, I know I don't need you in my life but I want you there. It hasn't even been quite a week and I miss you. I wish I could know that you miss me too.
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We broke up. [Jun. 20th, 2010|11:18 am]
Kaybee

He broke up. 

I'm only even putting this here because I don't have anywhere else to outlet the fact that I'm devastated. I want to call my friends but, I can't. I know they won't answer their phones. I feel like I'm being pathetic, but I did love him, even though we were so different, even though we "had the odds against us", even though our lives were going in different directions.

It kills me that he could do this; change his mind, let go. He was perfect, you know? For awhile. And I wanted that, forever. He hasn't changed his relationship status on Facebook yet and its been two days. Every time I sign in and I see it, my heart feels like it's going through a meat grinder. I could change mine first, but in my head I don't want to look like the one who "had a change of heart" and gave up. I don't give up.

We aren't together because of my goals, my morals and my future, because I'm a good person and I deserve what I want and it's all I can think about. I'm awake, but I can't move. I don't want to be without him.
 

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Its not a matter of who has the upperhand [Jun. 16th, 2010|10:19 am]
Kaybee

It's a matter of "put your hand in mine." That you can't seem to grasp. This doesn't feel like a relationship, it feels like a game of power-plays, of who says hi first that day. Isn't it supposed to be equal? We aren't supposed to keep track. "You want a boyfriend, not necessarily me." I would've chosen someone closer, if that were the case.

From the minute I kissed you, I wanted to be with you and since the day you said you loved me, I've been pushed further and further away; 316 miles isn't far enough, it seems. I don't know what to do. No one knows what to tell me. Maybe you aren't ready for everything I have to give to someone, or to acknowledge that the sun doesn't always shine in the sky above everyone's heads. I'm an optimist, you just choose not to see it.

You're like an ostrich, sticking your head in the sand until all your problems go away. Stop hiding from everything. 

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put your heart up to a microphone, i wanna hear it beat for me. [Jun. 2nd, 2010|10:06 am]
Kaybee
what do you do if you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand you?
someone who hasn't walked the path you're on, who knows of but doesn't know the layers?
what if their ability to feel is so shut off that it's almost impossible to feel connected to them
because all you've ever known is your ability to be emotionally open, whether conspicuously or not.


i've never been good at relationships, because i'm the one guys settle for.
the one they choose because no one else is as nice to them, or wants them.

and all i want to do is go home,
where ever that is... where someone understands me.
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Here I sit, bagged salad in hand... [Apr. 27th, 2010|06:38 pm]
Kaybee

I haven't really got any other food to eat, or money to buy more food with. My heart is beating a million miles a minute... so many things to accomplish, so many tasks to tackle. My life has been undergoing major surgery within the last year and a half, I'm sure any of you who read this have noticed. I'm in the process now of saying goodbye to the last house I will have ever lived in with my family.

It's getting foreclosed.

But with every closed door, there is a window or something that opens. Last night  was a bit of one. The boy whom has recently stolen my affections, only to let me steal his, showed up at prementioned foreclosing house with two bicycles. I hadn't rode a bike in quite some time and with recent injuries to my feet I thought I wouldn't be capable of riding one.

I was wrong.

We rode our bikes from foreclosing house to Rockledge Dr.and down to Riverfront Park in Cocoa Village, we jumped a fence to walk down a pier, and stared into the distance and each other as the moon cast shadows against the concrete and we listened to cars pass over Hubert Humphrey. There was minimal conversation. There normally is with us, for some reason. But that was okay. We jumped back over the fence, explored the playground, did a circle around Cocoa Village and then back down river road we went. We rode past the high school. I attempted to lure him into swimming but that didn't happen. We rode to Taylor Park, I stopped at the swings,  then wandered off into an  open area to lay in the grass and look  up at the sky. He laid down next to me.

I could've stayed there forever.

The rest of the ride was sort of uneventful, aside from him skillfully picking me a flower while riding his bike and riding up next to me to hand it to me. It was wonderful. I had a lot of fun. I felt young, like I could still enjoy things.

I'm going to hang into last night for awhile.

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I don't think anyone reads this anymore [Apr. 18th, 2010|01:23 am]
Kaybee
[Current Music |airplaines by b.o.b]

that's half the reason I write what I do here, instead of other places.

 

When you envision your life as a child, there's the possibility of anything. You don't think of the pain, you don't think of the strife or the insecurities you'll face 10, 20, 30 years down the road. As you grow older that's all you can think about. It's no longer about what you want to be when you grow up or playing "wedding". You are grown up, and you are what you are. Weddings are just an excuse for people to get drunk now and ontop of that, most marriages don't last long enough to be considered legitimate anyway. "Irreconcilable Differences". 

What if I want to be emancipated from the Earth? I'd rather not exist than go through life the way I currently am. A lot of good has happened to me in the last couple of months (it takes time to really think about it, but it has happened. Some good things (or people, rather) more than others.) but nothing chances the fact that at the drop of a hat, I can cry. I remember a time when I hadn't cried out of sadness, pain or fear in YEARS. I only cried over the good things.

The only reason I'm even awake right now, is because I've been crying. Why? Financially I am completely incompetent. Socially I'm lackluster. I've given my heart to someone but that is scaring me the more I think about it, as I'm constantly waiting for the rug of that relationship to be pulled out from underneath me. Everyone I've ever loved, -truely- loved has left me. Friendships are excluded.   My health is questionable, as I am continuously sick. I just can't cope.

And I don't want to take this moment or any other, any longer, to prove to some power or person greater than I that I am strong.
How much strength (or how much is a soul supposed to take) can a person have before they become nothing more than concrete?

If I were meant to be a skyscraper in the horizon of life, I would've been born with taller genes.
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(no subject) [Mar. 30th, 2010|01:16 am]
Kaybee
My vision isn't quite 20/20, but you're the only thing that's focused in my view.

There's this feeling under my skin, it tingles when you're near. My cardiovascular organ beats faster whenever you're around, but your touch calms me down. I don't have to question the way I feel, but I know I have to hold it in. I just don't know how to slow down, since everything else in my life has happened so quickly.

I catch myself looking at the sky a lot, wondering if someone else had a hand in all of this. It couldn't be just coincidence, with the timing, the structure, the series of events that took place in a way that fit so well together I couldn't have made it up if I tried.

 

I want you around as long as you will stay.
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if you ever get the chance [Mar. 29th, 2010|12:01 am]
Kaybee
to trespass into an open house, please do so.
you will not regret it.


i promise.
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Two long years and a notch on my belt. [Mar. 24th, 2010|01:08 am]
Kaybee
You didn't steal every emotion that I've ever felt.

...He's the proof.
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(no subject) [Mar. 21st, 2010|12:42 am]
Kaybee
regardless of how high you get lifted up,
it's inevitable that you will be lowered back down.

i am overwhelmed.
and if i can be honest anywhere,
i'll be honest here.

i've spent most of the latter half of this night
curled up on the floor, crying.

so much for a saturday. right?
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does someone have a parachute? [Mar. 15th, 2010|12:43 am]
Kaybee
'cause i'm falling, fast.

i have a tendency to let the way i feel cloud my ability to think; i let my heart radiate and beat out everything else. right now, all i can think of is the way it feels to be with him. i wasn't prepared for this.
i've always been good at saying goodbye. i've convinced myself i'm content in leaving but, tonight when he put his arms around me, i didn't want to move. i could've stood in that moment forever. torn between the knowledge that tomorrow morning when i wake up he'll be at work & i'll be set to travel the road once more, and the feeling that i didn't want to let go. it hit me by a brick wall (for lack of a matter expression).

i care. i care a lot. it's snuck up on me. i feel redundant, i can't focus.
everyone has always told me how independent i am, but all i want to do is hold your hand.

tonight at my door, i choked back the urge to blurt out "i like you."
not because it's not already known by both parties but because it scares me
how much truth there is behind it.
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if i knew how to play my guitar, he's the boy i would stay up all night writing melodies about. [Feb. 18th, 2010|11:46 pm]
Kaybee
'cause he says he loves the way i sound.
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(no subject) [Feb. 15th, 2010|10:55 pm]
Kaybee
There is so much on the tip of my tongue.
Ready, steady, standing on the cliff of my lips,
begging to jump of that ledge, into the air.

When waiting is filled and the moment is perfect.
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(no subject) [Feb. 4th, 2010|09:48 pm]
Kaybee
I hate the way I feel, like I'm trapped inside my own body. My blood boils at the thought of all that is falling apart around me and there's nothing I can do. I am but one person with no resources. I am nothing.

Absolutely nothing.
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the facing of fears [Jan. 27th, 2010|12:53 am]
Kaybee
i thought my biggest fear in this whole world
was losing the one person i loved the most on this planet.

that has happened.

but now i realize, my biggest fear might be
letting someone close enough to love me.

i'm not jumping the metaphorical gun,
just thinking to myself...

if i keep thinking about you the way that i do,
i'm going to have to face my fears, let myself fall
and keep my fingers crossed that it works out
'cause i'm not the type of girl to take her dusty heart
off of the top shelf for just anyone.
but you seem like the best home it's been offered, in awhile.
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what good is potential without kinetic? [Jan. 4th, 2010|11:48 pm]
Kaybee
please don't move.
sleep through you're alarm.
miss your plane.
the west coast will just ruin you.
turn your beautiful eyes to a dingy shade of blue,
bruise your wit until it's nothing more than a doormat.

don't go.
please.


because as much as it petrifies me,
i really want to try out "falling in love"


with you.
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whirlwind romances got nothing on four-step dances. [Dec. 28th, 2009|11:44 pm]
Kaybee
you're the whirlwind
while i am the disaster.
the cause and the effect,
that haven't formally met
or shook hands quite yet.

you're the rush
while i am the blood
under the surface of your skin.
boiling at the touch of a teeny tiny fingertip.
bend it all you want,
but never let the secret slip.

you're the lust
while i am the blush
on the cheeks that ache from smiles
that couldn't even begin to be faked.

there's nothing false about laughter
when it bubbles up after the collision.

you are the whirlwind
while i am the disaster.
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There's a Love that never changes, no matter what you've done. [Nov. 18th, 2009|02:34 am]
Kaybee
[Current Location |BED BUG CAPITAL OF THE UNIVERSE]
[Current Mood |bouncybouncy]
[Current Music |MeWithoutYou: Allah, Allah, Allah]

All I want in this life is love and love alone. Money can be squandered, family members die. But love? That love. No matter what kind, carries with you for your entire life.
I want my love to have a basket in someone else's heart for them to carry.
And I want it to be natural and fulfilling.


On the flip side, I couldn't be more excited about the things that are ahead of me.
The world I've yet to conquer, the hobbies I've yet to master.
I am and will be everything to nothing and no one but me.
(If that is what it takes)

2009, please hurry up and end. So I never have to think/say your stupid number-name again.


(Somewhat) unrelated observation: Last night I wasn't feeling well at all and before I fell asleep I mumbled to myself, "I miss my mom." I don't know any kid that doesn't want their mom when they're sick, you know? So. I finally fell asleep and the entire night (or what felt like it) I dreamt about my mom. It was the first dream I've had of her since she died that wasn't a nightmare/sad. It was just she and I, hanging out and doing the things we used to do together. It was mostly focused around conversation but it felt so real. And I felt normal again, like everything was right with the world.

Now, I don't know who told me this and I'm really trying to figure it out but someone told me within the last year that they believed it was possible when you lose someone close to you for that person to come to you in a dream and tell you things. I don't remember anything my mom told me, I just remember her being my mom. The way things were. The sound of her voice. I don't know if it's possible for your loved ones to visit you in your subconscious or if it's just your subconscious giving you what your conscious can't but all I know is I skipped my first class this morning... to lay in bed and dream ...so I could hang out with my mom.


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It's like a game of hopscotch [Nov. 9th, 2009|02:22 am]
Kaybee
[Current Mood |discontentdiscontent]
[Current Music |Adele - Daydreamer]

on the linen line between
your dirty laundry & mine




 
I don't want this anymore. 
I deserve to be happy.
To chase my dreams.
I miss the girl I once was.
The one who loved to sing, dance & have fun.
The one who smiled as if the sun
could burn out at any second and she'd have to fill in.
Who had a heart too big for her own chest.
I miss when I didn't second guess
or have doubt that my friends liked me.
I miss when I knew who my real friends were.

I don't want money to run my life.
I don't want responsibility to ruin it, either.
I want to want to get out of the bed in the morning.
To drink mass amounts of water and coffee
and bounce off the walls until 4am
instead of staying up because I'm too busy crying.

I want letters in the mail.
Hugs everyday.
Kisses that are sincere.
I want to feel like you're here,
even when you aren't.
And maybe that's naive or childish,
maybe it's too hard to believe
that at this age those are the things I want
but I'm not ready to grow up
or give in.

I do not want it.
Not now.
Not ever.
 
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(no subject) [Oct. 29th, 2009|10:57 pm]
Kaybee
[Current Music |Set Your Goals - Like You to Me]

I'll drive around this town tonight.
Up and down it's hills till I forget
the way your face looks from the right side.

I would've done anything, I said.
I would've stayed for you, instead I just had to come back.
A year ago, I would've given up what I had.
Now I'd give anything to turn around.
Compass due north.

Leaves don't fall in Florida
but everything else does.

 


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I know it's a back and forth [Oct. 27th, 2009|09:55 pm]
Kaybee
tug of war between my head and my heart.
if i could express how badly the contradiction tears me a part,
you'd each have a tiny piece of me to carry in your pocket.

i promise, this time.
i am done. one hundred & ten percent.
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(no subject) [Oct. 14th, 2009|10:00 pm]
Kaybee
there are a million things about me
that i wish you'd learn to forget
like how my cheeks blushed
on the day that we met.

because a memory like that
makes it difficult to shake
that time does a different person make
and i have changed.
oh how i've changed.

its just those eyes,
your perception is hard to lift
from those eyes in that head of yours
that plays games with every move
i ever made.

because an action like that
makes it difficult to shake
that time does a different person make
except in your case,
you're still the same.
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the righteous [Oct. 9th, 2009|10:18 pm]
Kaybee
[Current Mood |aggravatedaggravated]
[Current Music |Owl City: Fireflies]

never really end up in the right. i hope the whispers you spread behind the back of those that you once called your friends, resonate so loudly in your ears at night that they keep you awake because no one like you deserves to sleep soundly.

keep that head held high though 'cause the only view of heaven you're going to get is from the ground.
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I'm done. [Oct. 3rd, 2009|09:52 pm]
Kaybee
[Current Mood |apatheticapathetic]
[Current Music |All Time Low: Nothing Personal]

With as strong as I am, you'd think I'd stand up better than I do around or to you. You think I wouldn't bend to your ridiculous attempts at weaseling your way back into my pants. Something is wrong with that.

You're the last person on the planet that I actually want. I want anyone but you.
I want my friends. I want the people who want me. I want love. I want music. I want adventure.

"You don't have a life."  No, I don't have distractions.
"You don't have the drive." No, I've got the determination.
And I've got so much heart it fucking hurts.

I don't want to be this girl anymore and this time I mean it. It's been two years since I met you & you're the exact same. Chasing the girls who don't know better, pitying your appearance, too lazy to do anything about it, trying to be some hometown hero. So put down my path all you want but my eyes are the size of the world. I have bigger plans, better dreams.

I was just hoping some of that would rub off on you.




 


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where do you go [Sep. 25th, 2009|12:05 am]
Kaybee
[Current Music |Paramore: All I Wanted]

when your heart hurts.
when everything is too heavy
when nothing bends, only breaks


my family is useless.
i lost the only one who understood me
or ever listened to me
and now i stick up for the only one who i can trust.

god bless that boy and his disability.
he's so fucking lucky.
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It's Sunday.. [Sep. 13th, 2009|04:08 pm]
Kaybee
where are the Postsecrets at?
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(no subject) [Sep. 9th, 2009|06:03 pm]
Kaybee
I am a lonely, miserable, doormat of a girl.
There's nothing else to that.



 




 




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(no subject) [Sep. 5th, 2009|10:45 am]
Kaybee
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]
[Current Music |You, Me & Everyone We Know: Party for the Grown & Sexy EP]

tonight was just a whim
a fake attempt at the chance to forget
about the reality of problems
surrounding every chance we get

and it may not have been the best idea
but, who said that being smart is just about intelligence
sometimes, being smart is knowing when to live the life you have
knowing when to back away and knowing when to grab

it's the most peculiar thing,
a girl with a crush on a memory
(all the while you're touching her)
it's the most pathetic thing,
a girl in love with your memory
(and this time she's not falling)

the talk of the town is booming
with her hands on her hips
and she knows that it wasn't an innocent mistake
she knows it was contrived, but the contrived
do good plans make

and it may not have been the best idea
but who said being smart was all intelligence
sometimes, being smart is knowing when to live the life you have
knowing when to back away and knowing when to grab

it's the most peculiar thing,
a girl with a crush on a memory
(all the while you're touching me)
it's the most pathetic thing,
a girl in love with your memory
(and this time i'm not falling)
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(no subject) [Sep. 4th, 2009|01:38 am]
Kaybee
[Current Mood |depressedheartbroken]

I don't know which is harder. Being here in Rockledge or being gone in Tallahassee.
I have nightmares on a regular basis now. Once or twice a week, sometimes more than that.
Most involve my mom in some way & illness. Whether it's her suffering from it and we can't find her
or an adult me along with my mother, father and older brother are watching a child version of myself and my brothers suffer from leukemia
while being victims in a terrible car accident and trying to find the child versions of ourselves.

It's safe to say I don't sleep well. And the only reason I'm up right now is because every time I put my head down
on the pillow, I start to cry. I just want her to hug me, again. Or hear her voice. I want this house to be a home again.
Instead of just a place where everyone

If you're someone who hates me, I'd say you've got it made easy because the universe has already made my life hellacious.
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I forgot [Aug. 27th, 2009|08:02 am]
Kaybee
[Current Mood |awakeawake]

That eating breakfast this early makes me sick to my stomach.
Way to go, digestive system.
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Solar Confinement. [Aug. 21st, 2009|11:07 pm]
Kaybee
[Tags|, , , , , , , , ]
[Current Mood |energeticenergetic]
[Current Music |Adele: Daydreamer]

Trying to control/contain the amount of love, compassion & earnest interest I have in others is like trying to keep the sun, with all it's light and power and warmth and pull, in a ballerina jewelry box on top of life's dresser. There are people that I think about, that I'll have an unspoken devotion to for the rest of my life because of what they've represented to me at a pinnacle moment in my life. But these thoughts, they fill my mind and flood my chest and at the very best I am rendered useless because all I want to do is let those feelings pour over into actions and terms of endearment.

What is unfortunate is that not many people can handle such a feeling since what comes with it is a reciprocation of care, a commitment of a bond. Sometimes that's too heavy of a feeling, and I realize that.

Then comes anger. I'm of the belief that when you truly love someone, you have the ability to hate them at the same time. One page gets turned wrong and anger strikes and it feels good. It's like that lighter that you know will burn and hurt someone as long as you press the button down, but a lighter can't keep you warm. It's instant gratification in an emotion if there ever was one and certainly the most bitter.

But compassion? Compassion is like the fireplace in a rundown Russian mansion in the middle of winter. You save the firewood for as long as possible, hang onto the best pieces for the coldest night and when that night comes you throw them in, watch them burn and feel it creep up as it radiates towards your skin. It makes you warm, it helps you sleep at night, it eases your mood, it makes you smile. It makes everything a bit more bearable. You don't regret going without those other nights, you don't regret holding out to use your firewood until the last possible second.


I don't regret holding out, not even now. Because as it turns out, I always burnt the tip of my thumb with a lighter anyway.

 

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It's my birthday [Jul. 28th, 2009|09:47 pm]
Kaybee
and I'm sitting here in my room trying to act like I'm not waiting for anyone to show up.
And all I want to do is cry.

This is dumb.
And definitely not on my list of "Greatest Birthdays Ever".
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It's a 1-2 punch to the gut. [Jul. 24th, 2009|11:59 pm]
Kaybee
All I want is my mom. She was the only person on this planet that honestly loved me.
She was enthuisastic & fun and I don't want to turn 23 without her.
I don't want to be surrounded by people that don't have my back
when things get hard. Who have their own agendas.
Who let me grow apart from them.
Why do you let me get so distant? 


I want my heart back. I want God to give it back. I want someone to recognize it.
To really see it and not just use it for their own personal gain.
And I'm sick of being called strong & honest & compassionate.

I am grief & anxiety stricken. I am lonely. I am depressed & I ache.
I ache all over for the company of someone who gives a fuck about me.
Without me having to beg for them to do so.


Mascara really burns your eyes when it gets in them.
I'll have to remember that next time.
Clean face, then cry.
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Slow down. [Jul. 23rd, 2009|12:13 am]
Kaybee
[Tags|, , , , ]
[Current Mood |curiouscurious]
[Current Music |Death Cab For Cutie: Transatlanticism]

Dear July,
You're moving way too fast. I can't catch up. Although I've been waiting for this all to be over. It's ending way too quickly. There just aren't enough hours in the day for me to say and do the things I want to say and do or be with the people I want to be with.
So, cool your jets. You've got me sweatin'.

Dear Tapioca,
Why didn't anyone ever tell me how delicious you are? I mean honestly, before tonight, before I had your lonely little pudding cup self in my sights, I always thought you were disgusting. That just proves that looks can be deceiving & that sometimes small things are the best kept secrets.

Dear boys of Brevard County,
It's time you realized that you're all a bunch of douchebags. Seriously. No matter how nice you act to get into this girl's pants or see that girl's boobs, the reality of the situation is that really all you're looking for is the easiest way to get your dick wet. I sincerely apologize in advance for my inability to provide you with a clean vagina to do so with but I'm sure the ones you've been in already will just make it fall off in a year or so anyway.

Dear Chicago,
I miss the fuck out of you right now. Wait for me. Tie a yellow ribbon around that old oak tree & wait for me.
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last night [Jul. 19th, 2009|12:58 am]
Kaybee
[Current Mood |exhaustedexhausted]

was pretty eventful.

closed. walmart with sara.
ran into amber!
got "slurpees" explained to me. lol.
lots of driving.
jds.
pool.
jack & coke.
baby got back.
more driving.
conch key.
cockroaches.
toliet paper stuck to homegirl's flip-flop.
dennys.
horrible service. horrible food.
dramz.

sleep @ 4:30am
wake up @ 9:30am

worked from 12pm-11:15pm.
yes, i am tired.
but all i wanna do is have funnnn.
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There's a saying, "There's a hole where my heart used to be", [Jul. 16th, 2009|09:20 pm]
Kaybee

I know that my heart is still in there, beating ever so vigorously. But for me, there's just a hole. A void. Incapable to be filled and I know that in my attempts to find people to fill it (mainly my friends, though I have recently attached myself to a couple guys which I thought at the time was a good idea), they will all be inept to do so.
So, I wander around. I spend most of my time by myself, which I hate. Because of this, I've internally grown to hate myself. This hatred generally causes me to doubt those around me. If I can't like myself, how could they possibly? Insecurity arises. I desperately start grabbing for any hand in range and before you know it, I'm just more alone. And no one really cares.

I don't expect the world to revolve around me. I know that it doesn't, I'm fully aware of the world, recently. People have lives, they've got responsibilities, goals of their own that they'd like to accomplish. But the people I cherish the most in this world, the ones that I wish I could hold onto and never let go, those are the ones who've seemed to very easily let go of me. Almost willingly.

I don't take kindly to loss of companionship or loneliness. Romantic relationships or lackthereof never really were an issue, part of me knows that I'm not meant for one right now, that it would just be a huge mess. Part of me thinks I'm not meant for that.

But platonic relationships? Friendships? Am I the kind of person who is just a shitty friend and doesn't realize it?

These are the things I think about when I'm alone. The thoughts always ends up being punctuated by the loss of my mom. An exclaimation point, because in my head, the day I lost her (my best friend from birth), everyone else slowly followed suit.

They just aren't six feet under the ground.
 

On a completely unrelated note: I'm eating chili & I think it's gross.
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baby, i love the way you sing [Jul. 15th, 2009|11:20 pm]
Kaybee
[Current Mood |creativecreative]
[Current Music |The Format - Dog Problems]


so just sing.

Today was one of the best days I've had in such a long time. I say this, but I realize that good days like this are easily eclipsed by the bad days. They tend to get dissolved by the bitter salt of bad moods, depression, anxiety & loneliness.
There is no real reason for today being better than other days but for example: 
I was in Publix earlier today and I was just being friendly with the cashier and he asked me, "You seem like you're in a good mood today."
and I said, "Yeah, today is a good day." he went on to ask, "Why is today such a good day?" to which I replied, "It isn't a bad day. So it can't be taken for granted." After I said it, I instantly wished that more people felt and expressed this thought. We take the good too much for granted and whine about the bad, constantly.

He just nodded. I smiled and said thank you when he handed me the receipt, I also wished him a good day.

Work wasn't all bad either, despite it being work. I got to hang out for most of the night with one of my favorite people in the entire world & I'm not completely sure what it is about him but there's no way I can be unhappy in his presence. He immediately brightens my day, makes me smile & keeps me laughing. One day I'll have to thank him for that.


Twenty third birthday is twelve days away.
There will be a list of possible gift options available if anyone feels like buying me anything.
Or making me anything. It doesn't matter. I'll love whatever I get.







 

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the story so far [Jul. 12th, 2009|08:23 pm]
Kaybee
is that i always get to the guy first but inevitably end up being second choice.
i don't know what it is that i've done wrong. maybe if i were a whore...

sorry that i'm not.



life has been so boring. it needs some lightening up.
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the harder [Jul. 9th, 2009|04:46 pm]
Kaybee
i try to breathe
the harder it is to do so.


i need to move & get away
from being everyone's secret mistake.
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loose lips sink ships but damn, i love to watch you drown [Jul. 6th, 2009|05:34 pm]
Kaybee
[Current Mood |energeticenergetic]

if it means that much to you, i'll turn my body into a trap. put a combination to this mouth that only your tongue can coax out
but flaws are flaws whether there's only one or many at all and tonight i've got an ache in my bones to watch you fall.
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i'm of the belief [Jun. 30th, 2009|01:48 pm]
Kaybee
that this is going to be another one of those
"girl, do your best to keep your wits about you."
type of situations.

the best thing i can do
is nothing.
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if you still read this [Jun. 27th, 2009|04:42 pm]
Kaybee
raise your hand.
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(no subject) [Jun. 26th, 2009|12:36 am]
Kaybee
all i want to do is write
and the words wont come out

i miss the days when ink used
to pump through my veins.
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