[	Current Location	|	BED BUG CAPITAL OF THE UNIVERSE	]
[	Current Mood	|	bouncy	]
[	Current Music	|	MeWithoutYou: Allah, Allah, Allah	]

All I want in this life is love and love alone. Money can be squandered, family members die. But love? That love. No matter what kind, carries with you for your entire life.
I want my love to have a basket in someone else's heart for them to carry.
And I want it to be natural and fulfilling.


On the flip side, I couldn't be more excited about the things that are ahead of me.
The world I've yet to conquer, the hobbies I've yet to master.
I am and will be everything to nothing and no one but me.
(If that is what it takes)

2009, please hurry up and end. So I never have to think/say your stupid number-name again.


(Somewhat) unrelated observation: Last night I wasn't feeling well at all and before I fell asleep I mumbled to myself, "I miss my mom." I don't know any kid that doesn't want their mom when they're sick, you know? So. I finally fell asleep and the entire night (or what felt like it) I dreamt about my mom. It was the first dream I've had of her since she died that wasn't a nightmare/sad. It was just she and I, hanging out and doing the things we used to do together. It was mostly focused around conversation but it felt so real. And I felt normal again, like everything was right with the world.

Now, I don't know who told me this and I'm really trying to figure it out but someone told me within the last year that they believed it was possible when you lose someone close to you for that person to come to you in a dream and tell you things. I don't remember anything my mom told me, I just remember her being my mom. The way things were. The sound of her voice. I don't know if it's possible for your loved ones to visit you in your subconscious or if it's just your subconscious giving you what your conscious can't but all I know is I skipped my first class this morning... to lay in bed and dream ...so I could hang out with my mom.

I would've done anything, I said.
I would've stayed for you, instead I just had to come back.
A year ago, I would've given up what I had.
Now I'd give anything to turn around.
Compass due north.

Leaves don't fall in Florida
but everything else does.

 

[	Current Mood	|	apathetic	]
[	Current Music	|	All Time Low: Nothing Personal	]

I don't want to be this girl anymore and this time I mean it. It's been two years since I met you & you're the exact same. Chasing the girls who don't know better, pitying your appearance, too lazy to do anything about it, trying to be some hometown hero. So put down my path all you want but my eyes are the size of the world. I have bigger plans, better dreams.

I was just hoping some of that would rub off on you.




 

[	Tags	|	anger, compassion, fire, fireplaces, hatred, life, lighters, russia, sun	]
[	Current Mood	|	energetic	]
[	Current Music	|	Adele: Daydreamer	]

Trying to control/contain the amount of love, compassion & earnest interest I have in others is like trying to keep the sun, with all it's light and power and warmth and pull, in a ballerina jewelry box on top of life's dresser. There are people that I think about, that I'll have an unspoken devotion to for the rest of my life because of what they've represented to me at a pinnacle moment in my life. But these thoughts, they fill my mind and flood my chest and at the very best I am rendered useless because all I want to do is let those feelings pour over into actions and terms of endearment.

But platonic relationships? Friendships? Am I the kind of person who is just a shitty friend and doesn't realize it?

These are the things I think about when I'm alone. The thoughts always ends up being punctuated by the loss of my mom. An exclaimation point, because in my head, the day I lost her (my best friend from birth), everyone else slowly followed suit.

They just aren't six feet under the ground.
 

[	Current Mood	|	creative	]
[	Current Music	|	The Format - Dog Problems	]

Today was one of the best days I've had in such a long time. I say this, but I realize that good days like this are easily eclipsed by the bad days. They tend to get dissolved by the bitter salt of bad moods, depression, anxiety & loneliness.
There is no real reason for today being better than other days but for example: 
I was in Publix earlier today and I was just being friendly with the cashier and he asked me, "You seem like you're in a good mood today."
and I said, "Yeah, today is a good day." he went on to ask, "Why is today such a good day?" to which I replied, "It isn't a bad day. So it can't be taken for granted." After I said it, I instantly wished that more people felt and expressed this thought. We take the good too much for granted and whine about the bad, constantly.

He just nodded. I smiled and said thank you when he handed me the receipt, I also wished him a good day.

Work wasn't all bad either, despite it being work. I got to hang out for most of the night with one of my favorite people in the entire world & I'm not completely sure what it is about him but there's no way I can be unhappy in his presence. He immediately brightens my day, makes me smile & keeps me laughing. One day I'll have to thank him for that.


Twenty third birthday is twelve days away.
There will be a list of possible gift options available if anyone feels like buying me anything.
Or making me anything. It doesn't matter. I'll love whatever I get.







 

[

Current Mood

|

crappy

]

Truth is, I don't want to get older without my mom to see me age. Save your "But she CAN see you!"'s
(Though I appreciate the good intention, sincerely.)
That makes it even worse, because for her to see me like this just proves that I'm not the girl she thought I was.

Or, at the very least. I'm not the girl I think she thought I was.

 

It's 3am and my eyes are blurry.
I can't see one thing except
the vision of your collar
and the skin that's underneath it
in my head.

and if i connected all your freckles
it would be a to-scale diagram
of those constellations we stared
at that night we declared we'd never grow up.

"please never grow up, penelope" you said to me
how five years can change everything
from what name you use to call me,
to the way it feels now when you touch me
our skin's no longer skin
it's just a membrane memory
covering what held us both together for so long.

we were naive to think that we could
ever put the dirt between our bodies
and grow dandelions like the ones
out back of your old house when we were kids.

and a road as black as this
leaves much to be imagined
but lines are faint tonight
and your youthful smile
that mirrored my own
is another of the onlys that i hold.

It could be because technically "today" is Mothers Day.
It could be this town and the lack of anything to do.
It could be that no one interests me enough for me to befriend them.
And when they do, I don't try for fear of scaring them off.

But, I tried to be a statue tonight.
And it didn't work out.
 

[	Tags	|	2009, beginning, death, ending, shower, wrinkles	]
[	Current Location	|	under a string of star-shaped lights	]
[	Current Mood	|	drained	]
[	Current Music	|	Death Cab for Cutie: The Open Door EP	]

Lean back against the porcelain, with the spout to your temple. Stretch your legs out and watch your feet turn red from the heat. Close your eyes and give up, if only for a moment -this is where you'll let yourself do it. Let the smiles fade, bring wrinkles if they may but keep the memories good or bad away. How to begin. Repeat your actions in your head, place them strategically with cleverness.  Scrub hard at that complexion of mystery or denial, for a better way to begin. With less emphasis on the end.  That face, the face that mirrors the one you see everyday. It happened in slow motion but lasted all of five seconds. Staring with disbelief, you looked to your left. You were met with the same look on a different face but straight ahead, you saw yourselves. In a bed that had no heartbeat.  Met a man with eager eyes and watched, back and forth. The bed, the man, the bed, the man. The words you knew he would say, he said but with eager eyes you watched. Then everything went gray.

The expensive shampoo and conditioner that was bought before she knew she would no longer need it, is almost gone. You rinse the last of it out of your hair and leave the bottle tops open. This would've annoyed her. Convincing yourself to stand, your feet want to give out but you've sat and watched for too long as the palms of your hands - covered in the skin that you once loved to dance in- have pruned. If you don't begin soon, the rest of you will absorb your surroundings and prune too.

Turn it off. Wring your hair, pull the curtain back and step out. You wait hours before moving and look up only to find that your hair does what it is meant to when given the time. Beginnings, like curls, come naturally and endings are almost always abrupt.
 

[	Current Mood	|	cold	]
[	Current Music	|	ADTR: If It Means A Lot To You	]

I gotta say it still turns my stomach when the reference to you loving her comes up.
It shouldn't matter. I shouldn't feel that way and most of the time I don't.
And maybe it's the left overs from last night that make me feel shaky at the thought,
but I'm uncomfortable with the answer that she could be the one.

That's it.