|||||airplaines by b.o.b||]|
that's half the reason I write what I do here, instead of other places.
When you envision your life as a child, there's the possibility of anything. You don't think of the pain, you don't think of the strife or the insecurities you'll face 10, 20, 30 years down the road. As you grow older that's all you can think about. It's no longer about what you want to be when you grow up or playing "wedding". You are grown up, and you are what you are. Weddings are just an excuse for people to get drunk now and ontop of that, most marriages don't last long enough to be considered legitimate anyway. "Irreconcilable Differences".
What if I want to be emancipated from the Earth? I'd rather not exist than go through life the way I currently am. A lot of good has happened to me in the last couple of months (it takes time to really think about it, but it has happened. Some good things (or people, rather) more than others.) but nothing chances the fact that at the drop of a hat, I can cry. I remember a time when I hadn't cried out of sadness, pain or fear in YEARS. I only cried over the good things.
The only reason I'm even awake right now, is because I've been crying. Why? Financially I am completely incompetent. Socially I'm lackluster. I've given my heart to someone but that is scaring me the more I think about it, as I'm constantly waiting for the rug of that relationship to be pulled out from underneath me. Everyone I've ever loved, -truely- loved has left me. Friendships are excluded. My health is questionable, as I am continuously sick. I just can't cope.
And I don't want to take this moment or any other, any longer, to prove to some power or person greater than I that I am strong.If I were meant to be a skyscraper in the horizon of life, I would've been born with taller genes.
How much strength (or how much is a soul supposed to take) can a person have before they become nothing more than concrete?