Let's not kid ourselves!

There's a Love that never changes, no matter what you've done.

2009-11-18T07:34:24Z

All I want in this life is love and love alone. Money can be squandered, family members die. But love? That love. No matter what kind, carries with you for your entire life.
I want my love to have a basket in someone else's heart for them to carry.
And I want it to be natural and fulfilling.

On the flip side, I couldn't be more excited about the things that are ahead of me.
The world I've yet to conquer, the hobbies I've yet to master.
I am and will be everything to nothing and no one but me.
(If that is what it takes)

2009, please hurry up and end. So I never have to think/say your stupid number-name again.

(Somewhat) unrelated observation: Last night I wasn't feeling well at all and before I fell asleep I mumbled to myself, "I miss my mom." I don't know any kid that doesn't want their mom when they're sick, you know? So. I finally fell asleep and the entire night (or what felt like it) I dreamt about my mom. It was the first dream I've had of her since she died that wasn't a nightmare/sad. It was just she and I, hanging out and doing the things we used to do together. It was mostly focused around conversation but it felt so real. And I felt normal again, like everything was right with the world.

Now, I don't know who told me this and I'm really trying to figure it out but someone told me within the last year that they believed it was possible when you lose someone close to you for that person to come to you in a dream and tell you things. I don't remember anything my mom told me, I just remember her being my mom. The way things were. The sound of her voice. I don't know if it's possible for your loved ones to visit you in your subconscious or if it's just your subconscious giving you what your conscious can't but all I know is I skipped my first class this morning... to lay in bed and dream ...so I could hang out with my mom.

It's like a game of hopscotch

2009-11-09T07:29:23Z

on the linen line between
your dirty laundry & mine

I don't want this anymore.
I deserve to be happy.
To chase my dreams.
I miss the girl I once was.
The one who loved to sing, dance & have fun.
The one who smiled as if the sun
could burn out at any second and she'd have to fill in.
Who had a heart too big for her own chest.
I miss when I didn't second guess
or have doubt that my friends liked me.
I miss when I knew who my real friends were.

I don't want money to run my life.
I don't want responsibility to ruin it, either.
I want to want to get out of the bed in the morning.
To drink mass amounts of water and coffee
and bounce off the walls until 4am
instead of staying up because I'm too busy crying.

I want letters in the mail.
Hugs everyday.
Kisses that are sincere.
I want to feel like you're here,
even when you aren't.
And maybe that's naive or childish,
maybe it's too hard to believe
that at this age those are the things I want
but I'm not ready to grow up
or give in.

I do not want it.
Not now.
Not ever.

a_glaciered_sun @ 2009-10-29T22:57:00

2009-10-30T03:03:48Z

I'll drive around this town tonight.
Up and down it's hills till I forget
the way your face looks from the right side.

I would've done anything, I said.
I would've stayed for you, instead I just had to come back.
A year ago, I would've given up what I had.
Now I'd give anything to turn around.
Compass due north.

Leaves don't fall in Florida
but everything else does.

I know it's a back and forth

2009-10-28T01:56:52Z

tug of war between my head and my heart.
if i could express how badly the contradiction tears me a part,
you'd each have a tiny piece of me to carry in your pocket.

i promise, this time.
i am done. one hundred & ten percent.

a_glaciered_sun @ 2009-10-14T22:00:00

2009-10-15T02:05:58Z

there are a million things about me
that i wish you'd learn to forget
like how my cheeks blushed
on the day that we met.

because a memory like that
makes it difficult to shake
that time does a different person make
and i have changed.
oh how i've changed.

its just those eyes,
your perception is hard to lift
from those eyes in that head of yours
that plays games with every move
i ever made.

because an action like that
makes it difficult to shake
that time does a different person make
except in your case,
you're still the same.

the righteous

2009-10-10T02:22:29Z

never really end up in the right. i hope the whispers you spread behind the back of those that you once called your friends, resonate so loudly in your ears at night that they keep you awake because no one like you deserves to sleep soundly.

keep that head held high though 'cause the only view of heaven you're going to get is from the ground.

I'm done.

2009-10-04T02:02:15Z

With as strong as I am, you'd think I'd stand up better than I do around or to you. You think I wouldn't bend to your ridiculous attempts at weaseling your way back into my pants. Something is wrong with that.

You're the last person on the planet that I actually want. I want anyone but you.
I want my friends. I want the people who want me. I want love. I want music. I want adventure.

"You don't have a life." No, I don't have distractions.
"You don't have the drive." No, I've got the determination.
And I've got so much heart it fucking hurts.

I don't want to be this girl anymore and this time I mean it. It's been two years since I met you & you're the exact same. Chasing the girls who don't know better, pitying your appearance, too lazy to do anything about it, trying to be some hometown hero. So put down my path all you want but my eyes are the size of the world. I have bigger plans, better dreams.

I was just hoping some of that would rub off on you.

where do you go

2009-09-25T04:12:32Z

when your heart hurts.
when everything is too heavy
when nothing bends, only breaks

my family is useless.
i lost the only one who understood me
or ever listened to me
and now i stick up for the only one who i can trust.

god bless that boy and his disability.
he's so fucking lucky.

It's Sunday..

2009-09-13T20:08:51Z

where are the Postsecrets at?

a_glaciered_sun @ 2009-09-09T18:03:00

2009-09-09T22:09:50Z

I am a lonely, miserable, doormat of a girl.
There's nothing else to that.

a_glaciered_sun @ 2009-09-05T10:45:00

2009-09-05T14:56:53Z

tonight was just a whim
a fake attempt at the chance to forget
about the reality of problems
surrounding every chance we get

and it may not have been the best idea
but, who said that being smart is just about intelligence
sometimes, being smart is knowing when to live the life you have
knowing when to back away and knowing when to grab

it's the most peculiar thing,
a girl with a crush on a memory
(all the while you're touching her)
it's the most pathetic thing,
a girl in love with your memory
(and this time she's not falling)

the talk of the town is booming
with her hands on her hips
and she knows that it wasn't an innocent mistake
she knows it was contrived, but the contrived
do good plans make

and it may not have been the best idea
but who said being smart was all intelligence
sometimes, being smart is knowing when to live the life you have
knowing when to back away and knowing when to grab

it's the most peculiar thing,
a girl with a crush on a memory
(all the while you're touching me)
it's the most pathetic thing,
a girl in love with your memory
(and this time i'm not falling)

a_glaciered_sun @ 2009-09-04T01:38:00

2009-09-04T05:57:12Z

I don't know which is harder. Being here in Rockledge or being gone in Tallahassee.
I have nightmares on a regular basis now. Once or twice a week, sometimes more than that.
Most involve my mom in some way & illness. Whether it's her suffering from it and we can't find her
or an adult me along with my mother, father and older brother are watching a child version of myself and my brothers suffer from leukemia
while being victims in a terrible car accident and trying to find the child versions of ourselves.

It's safe to say I don't sleep well. And the only reason I'm up right now is because every time I put my head down
on the pillow, I start to cry. I just want her to hug me, again. Or hear her voice. I want this house to be a home again.
Instead of just a place where everyone

If you're someone who hates me, I'd say you've got it made easy because the universe has already made my life hellacious.

I forgot

2009-08-27T12:03:52Z

That eating breakfast this early makes me sick to my stomach.
Way to go, digestive system.

Solar Confinement.

2009-08-22T03:20:51Z

Trying to control/contain the amount of love, compassion & earnest interest I have in others is like trying to keep the sun, with all it's light and power and warmth and pull, in a ballerina jewelry box on top of life's dresser. There are people that I think about, that I'll have an unspoken devotion to for the rest of my life because of what they've represented to me at a pinnacle moment in my life. But these thoughts, they fill my mind and flood my chest and at the very best I am rendered useless because all I want to do is let those feelings pour over into actions and terms of endearment.

What is unfortunate is that not many people can handle such a feeling since what comes with it is a reciprocation of care, a commitment of a bond. Sometimes that's too heavy of a feeling, and I realize that.

Then comes anger. I'm of the belief that when you truly love someone, you have the ability to hate them at the same time. One page gets turned wrong and anger strikes and it feels good. It's like that lighter that you know will burn and hurt someone as long as you press the button down, but a lighter can't keep you warm. It's instant gratification in an emotion if there ever was one and certainly the most bitter.

But compassion? Compassion is like the fireplace in a rundown Russian mansion in the middle of winter. You save the firewood for as long as possible, hang onto the best pieces for the coldest night and when that night comes you throw them in, watch them burn and feel it creep up as it radiates towards your skin. It makes you warm, it helps you sleep at night, it eases your mood, it makes you smile. It makes everything a bit more bearable. You don't regret going without those other nights, you don't regret holding out to use your firewood until the last possible second.

I don't regret holding out, not even now. Because as it turns out, I always burnt the tip of my thumb with a lighter anyway.

It's my birthday

2009-07-29T01:48:25Z

and I'm sitting here in my room trying to act like I'm not waiting for anyone to show up.
And all I want to do is cry.

This is dumb.
And definitely not on my list of "Greatest Birthdays Ever".

It's a 1-2 punch to the gut.

2009-07-25T04:11:52Z

All I want is my mom. She was the only person on this planet that honestly loved me.
She was enthuisastic & fun and I don't want to turn 23 without her.
I don't want to be surrounded by people that don't have my back
when things get hard. Who have their own agendas.
Who let me grow apart from them.
Why do you let me get so distant?

I want my heart back. I want God to give it back. I want someone to recognize it.
To really see it and not just use it for their own personal gain.
And I'm sick of being called strong & honest & compassionate.

I am grief & anxiety stricken. I am lonely. I am depressed & I ache.
I ache all over for the company of someone who gives a fuck about me.
Without me having to beg for them to do so.

Mascara really burns your eyes when it gets in them.
I'll have to remember that next time.
Clean face, then cry.

Slow down.

2009-07-23T04:21:43Z

Dear July,
You're moving way too fast. I can't catch up. Although I've been waiting for this all to be over. It's ending way too quickly. There just aren't enough hours in the day for me to say and do the things I want to say and do or be with the people I want to be with.
So, cool your jets. You've got me sweatin'.

Dear Tapioca,
Why didn't anyone ever tell me how delicious you are? I mean honestly, before tonight, before I had your lonely little pudding cup self in my sights, I always thought you were disgusting. That just proves that looks can be deceiving & that sometimes small things are the best kept secrets.

Dear boys of Brevard County,
It's time you realized that you're all a bunch of douchebags. Seriously. No matter how nice you act to get into this girl's pants or see that girl's boobs, the reality of the situation is that really all you're looking for is the easiest way to get your dick wet. I sincerely apologize in advance for my inability to provide you with a clean vagina to do so with but I'm sure the ones you've been in already will just make it fall off in a year or so anyway.

Dear Chicago,
I miss the fuck out of you right now. Wait for me. Tie a yellow ribbon around that old oak tree & wait for me.

last night

2009-07-19T05:04:09Z

was pretty eventful.

closed. walmart with sara.
ran into amber!
got "slurpees" explained to me. lol.
lots of driving.
jds.
pool.
jack & coke.
baby got back.
more driving.
conch key.
cockroaches.
toliet paper stuck to homegirl's flip-flop.
dennys.
horrible service. horrible food.
dramz.

sleep @ 4:30am
wake up @ 9:30am

worked from 12pm-11:15pm.
yes, i am tired.
but all i wanna do is have funnnn.

There's a saying, "There's a hole where my heart used to be",

2009-07-17T01:30:42Z

I know that my heart is still in there, beating ever so vigorously. But for me, there's just a hole. A void. Incapable to be filled and I know that in my attempts to find people to fill it (mainly my friends, though I have recently attached myself to a couple guys which I thought at the time was a good idea), they will all be inept to do so.
So, I wander around. I spend most of my time by myself, which I hate. Because of this, I've internally grown to hate myself. This hatred generally causes me to doubt those around me. If I can't like myself, how could they possibly? Insecurity arises. I desperately start grabbing for any hand in range and before you know it, I'm just more alone. And no one really cares.

I don't expect the world to revolve around me. I know that it doesn't, I'm fully aware of the world, recently. People have lives, they've got responsibilities, goals of their own that they'd like to accomplish. But the people I cherish the most in this world, the ones that I wish I could hold onto and never let go, those are the ones who've seemed to very easily let go of me. Almost willingly.

I don't take kindly to loss of companionship or loneliness. Romantic relationships or lackthereof never really were an issue, part of me knows that I'm not meant for one right now, that it would just be a huge mess. Part of me thinks I'm not meant for that.

But platonic relationships? Friendships? Am I the kind of person who is just a shitty friend and doesn't realize it?

These are the things I think about when I'm alone. The thoughts always ends up being punctuated by the loss of my mom. An exclaimation point, because in my head, the day I lost her (my best friend from birth), everyone else slowly followed suit.

They just aren't six feet under the ground.

On a completely unrelated note: I'm eating chili & I think it's gross.

baby, i love the way you sing

2009-07-16T03:32:43Z

so just sing.

Today was one of the best days I've had in such a long time. I say this, but I realize that good days like this are easily eclipsed by the bad days. They tend to get dissolved by the bitter salt of bad moods, depression, anxiety & loneliness.
There is no real reason for today being better than other days but for example:
I was in Publix earlier today and I was just being friendly with the cashier and he asked me, "You seem like you're in a good mood today."
and I said, "Yeah, today is a good day." he went on to ask, "Why is today such a good day?" to which I replied, "It isn't a bad day. So it can't be taken for granted." After I said it, I instantly wished that more people felt and expressed this thought. We take the good too much for granted and whine about the bad, constantly.

He just nodded. I smiled and said thank you when he handed me the receipt, I also wished him a good day.

Work wasn't all bad either, despite it being work. I got to hang out for most of the night with one of my favorite people in the entire world & I'm not completely sure what it is about him but there's no way I can be unhappy in his presence. He immediately brightens my day, makes me smile & keeps me laughing. One day I'll have to thank him for that.

Twenty third birthday is twelve days away.
There will be a list of possible gift options available if anyone feels like buying me anything.
Or making me anything. It doesn't matter. I'll love whatever I get.

the story so far

2009-07-13T00:25:01Z

is that i always get to the guy first but inevitably end up being second choice.
i don't know what it is that i've done wrong. maybe if i were a whore...

sorry that i'm not.

life has been so boring. it needs some lightening up.

the harder

2009-07-09T20:48:56Z

i try to breathe
the harder it is to do so.

i need to move & get away
from being everyone's secret mistake.

loose lips sink ships but damn, i love to watch you drown

2009-07-06T21:46:10Z

if it means that much to you, i'll turn my body into a trap. put a combination to this mouth that only your tongue can coax out
but flaws are flaws whether there's only one or many at all and tonight i've got an ache in my bones to watch you fall.

i'm of the belief

2009-06-30T17:49:32Z

that this is going to be another one of those
"girl, do your best to keep your wits about you."
type of situations.

the best thing i can do
is nothing.

if you still read this

2009-06-27T20:42:38Z

raise your hand.